To dark to see

I search too hard for validation.

For some kind of clue that just maybe, I am worthy.

I’ve etched the clichéd ‘be well’ lines and

excuses on the back wall of my mind, I can recite them by heart. Phrases that are suppose to magically allow me to feel better when they only make the corners of the world press deeper into my shoulders.

I can feel the leering and watchful eyes examining me.

I know myself well; I feel my emotions, you just see them. I experience my thoughts, dreams, fears, hopes, desires, and shortcomings on the inside and racing through my veins, you only hear about them.

The person I find staring back at me through the mirror seems so different than the person you see through your eyes.

I know every curve of my skin and the stories of my scars and how my heart breaks and aches. And oh, how it aches, a deep, dull, soft and jagged sensation of longing I cannot contain nor explain.

I’m aware of myself and that means I’m unaware of the essence enclosed inside the ribcage that rises and falls within you. We don’t like being left defenseless and dealing with a sense of a hopeless feeling.

When darkness envelops you, don’t forget that darkness doesn’t exist and when a coldness curls itself around your soul, but the cold doesn’t exist either. Darkness is only the absence of light and coldness in only the absence of heat. That’s when you need to take it upon yourself to explore your atmosphere and find a way to light and heat.