really?

precaution : 3-5 minutes reading time

I learned about it the hard way, having had to be observant to your actions. The steps you have taken, the preferences you have made over other things.

Building a life with her, for example and not me.

Not because she made you happier, but simply, because I still stayed around although you kept coming back and going away.

That is who you are

A boy who wants to have both, and hides behind silly excuses like,

“it would be unfair to her”

I mean like,

Hey? Really?!

My thoughts flee to the fragment of my memories

I could gaze through an image of you, me,

And those empty bottles  of beer on a seaside.

It was an impromptu tryst.

You figured out you would have a couple of hours sneak out from your office.

I am more worried than I was excited, but you assured me that I would not have to worry about anything, that I should just, as you told me “ enjoy the moment”

You said million times you wanna leave her.

But then, it was only words came from you.

“I love you..”

I said, expecting an answer to come out of your mouth.

If not, maybe a genuine caress to show up through your fingers? Or maybe, just maybe, anything that could exude an intimate moment of romance?

Ain’t I good enough to have it?

Ain’t I pretty enough to get a response an ‘I love you?”

Predictably, you did not say anything at all. I knew this would happen, yet I still clouded my judgment by thinking that maybe, just maybe, you would say something otherwise.

Did I actually enjoy being in that moment? Being proudly, foolishly in love.

“Say something…”

 I said very quietly as if I were whispering, I could feel the bitterness in my mouth.

Why have I fallen for you?

A  boy who have disguises his excuses by saying.

“I am being reasonable”

a boy who never knows what he wants

 a boy who pretends to have grown up but can never make his own choices.

I utterly knew it was just going to be another excuse coming from your throat

“It was not a question”

you answered

without even looking to my eyes

I immediately wanted to leave, but again, you did not let me go. I could still feel the way you grasped my waist so tightly, leaving me with no other option but to..

You perfectly knew that I would never be tired of loving you. Even so, let me tell you, I was vastly fricking tired of being in pain. The pain of seeing you leaving without saying goodbye every morning. The pain of glancing to photos of you with her as if I knew nothing about you. The pain of smelling your scent attached to the shirts you deliberately left under my pillow whenever you went away

I walk out of my door to spend a scrap of my life

No, there is no you in it.

yes, you. the one who read this