we deserve to be happy,'aight?

Beberapa saat yang lalu, saya berbincang-bincang dengan seorang teman lama.  Koreksi, seorang sahabat yang sudah lama tidak bertemu.

Kami menghabiskan masa SMP kami bersama dan sama-sama memiliki hobi yang sama. BUKU.

Kami berdua memang jarang sekali bertemu dan baru kali ini saya bersyukur social media sudah ditemukan. Kami dapat berbincang lama, cukup dengan mengetik di layar tablet. Terakhir bertemu adalah bulan lalu dan kami sibuk membicarakan hal terkini tentang apa yang terjadi dalam hidup masing-masing. Pada akhirnya, hari pun ditutup dengan menonton film seperti yang sudah kami janjikan bersama “the fault in our stars”.

Bersama dengan sahabat saya ini, saya tidak pernah merasa sedih. Dahulu, saya seringkali mendatangi rumahnya, bercerita tentang buku-buku terbaru dan bagaimana beberapa film dapat menginspirasi kita. Somehow, people might see us as two nerds that have such an unique relationship. But hey, that’s how I like it. Correction, both like it. Saya tidak peduli dengan julukan kutu buku. All I knew is that I am happy with her. And I hope she also felt in that way.

As far as I can tell, we both grown up. Sahabat saya berubah menjadi seorang perempuan cantik, penyayang, pintar, great in language ability and funny. But y’ know, setiap orang punya rahasianya masing-masing. And so do her. This is I quoted from her thoughts :

I Keep Too Many Things to Myself

Someone told me that.., if you feel sad or angry or upset for no reason that means your heart is been empty from love.

There is no more sad feeling, when you have to hold your tears to fall cause you keep telling your self don't fuckin cry. That fuckin hurt. I really don't know...

I feel like I'm asking too much. Sometimes, when we feel like we can do it by ourselves.. That was actually the time where we need someone, to not say a thing, just someone to hold.. and hug us. Have you ever fee like, you just desperate, lost, and feel like don't know what to do with your life anymore? It's just flat. Just like that.

I just feel really sad, and I want to cry, but should I?

What should we do when we feel everything we do are not good enough?

I sound so selfish to myself.. What an ungrateful person. But..

What's left to do when we lost our hope?

What's left to see when our eyes won't open anymore? Have you ever thought about dying? Are all of our dreams important anymore?

There is a song said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Heck things don't kill me.. But I don't feel stronger at all... And another one said, you're never as strong as you sound. Well that's true..

I just realize it.. Just because I am strong enough to handle the pain, doesn't mean I deserve it..

Maybe I've been holding on too tight.. with nothing :(

But,

I always try.. To find strength in pain. Always try to cut my mind from thinking stupid things. Since the hurt, the betrayed of my dad, my exes.. I never really feel like this again.

An empty feeling inside of me. Sad. Upset. Lonely. Afraid. Like there is a sting deep inside of my heart. A needle.

Our heart pumps blood through our body, but I feel like every pumps.. Give me this stabbing pain for no reason. So why keep me alive to feel the pain?

"Too afraid to die, too scared to be alive" that's me right now. What a stupid way of thinking, but my mind sober enough to realize that, oh no.. I shouldn't let this screw me again.

I don't wanna start the same mistake again, I wanna be happy, I wanna be free from my own mind, And deep inside I realize the only one who can make that happen is myself, because.. We can never depend our happiness to anyone right? We just have to the fuck up.. and fight again.

Remember a song that I've been listening to: "sometimes you break your own heart.. To set yourself free"

And that's what I'm gonna do. Cause I have to. not for anyone. But for me, cause without knowing myself.. I just deserve to be happy again. And I'm gonna try again...

So, we deserve to be happy, ‘aight?